Sometimes being Patch's mom is hard. I never know how he's going to react to things or how to react when he does things. He's such a puzzle. He's having a hard time right now and I'm not sure if it's because he's out of school or if he's not getting enough sleep or exercise or if it's just that he didn't eat at exactly the right time so now his body is all messed up. It's a lot of pressure. I'm always waiting for the bomb to go off.
I am so grateful that when other people meet Patch they always talk about what a joy he is or how funny he is and they love having him around. Like all parents, I wonder if that's really true because most days I'm praying he'll find somewhere else to go play because I've had enough being on edge and I can only make excuses to the other kids for so long before they start hating me because of Patch. I'm sure they think I take his side way too much. I don't. Most the time I want to lock the kid in his room because of how mean he can be, but I understand that won't help him and he really needs to talk out his feelings. He has to have his actions explained and how they affect other people. Putting punishments on him while he's in a episode just makes things worse. I'm rambling.
The other night Chris and I watched Super 8. Patch walked in while the credits were running. If you've seen the movie you know that while the credits run they show a zombie movie the kids in the show made. It's harmless, almost like kids dressed up on Halloween. Except it's not harmless to Patch. We've had nightmares and night terrors ever since. He was already having a hard time before he saw this and now it's 10x worse.
He won't go anywhere in the house without someone. Even if I'm in the kitchen he won't go to the family room to watch a show. I take him down there and he's back 2 minutes later, too scared to be alone. Last night while driving around he sat with his legs crossed because he was too scared to have them dangle. Alexa was sitting next to him, it didn't help. She even bent down and showed him there was nothing under him. I have such good kids. I was supposed to visit a friend that had a baby and when I told Patch I was leaving he started bawling. When I went to get Caely from basketball he cried because we weren't getting there fast enough and he doesn't like sitting alone in the back seat. I was driving Chris' car, it's not that big. He then cried because the girls weren't coming out from basketball fast enough and he was scared sitting in the car. I was right there with him. It's never enough.
As we speak he is locked in his bed because no one will take him out of his room. Sad. I wish I knew what to do for him. His dad brought him downstairs to me. Don't worry, we don't leave him locked in fear. It's the exact opposite, we jump to make things easier for this kid. Sounds like we spoil him but I don't think we do, I think we just take care of his needs, he just has a lot of them.
It really makes for a long off track when I have to plan every moment around what Patch needs and when.
I really sound on my pitty pot. We do have good days and during the day he can function while I run around doing things, he just stays really close. I just feel bad because I feel like I've wished his childhood away. I can't wait for him to grow out of this or cope as he gets older. I haven't had the chance to enjoy him little and I'm missing it.
3 comments:
When I hear about his anxiety, I feel so much for Patch and for you. It takes a ton to cope with his sensitive nature. I wish there was something I could do for you or offer you some "aha" advice. But I can tell you that you are an amazing Mom and I love how everyone realizes and tries to help some. I hope for better days for you Patch and for you my dear friend!
Like Janice, I think you are an amazing mom. You are doing your best. It may not feel like enough right now, but as long as you are walking daily with a prayer in your heart, with a mind open to inspiration, it IS enough. You, or Patch, or your family has something to learn through these challenges, and when that has been accomplished, you will find the answers or he will have overcome them. But take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this. God knows you and your family and NO experience that we go through is ever wasted or a mistake. There is ALWAYS good to come of them if we allow it.
Love you, my amazing friend. You are stronger and more capable than you think. Keep trying, keep praying and keep loving that little person. He couldn't have a better mother.
I know it's hard. It is sooo hard seeing them struggle and feeling helpless. I know everyday I also struggle with what do I need to do for this kid, or how can I help this kid.
I'm sure you are doing the best you know how, and if there is anything you need to know the Lord will give it to you when you need to know it.
Hang in there. You are loved and so is Patch.
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