I'm in a funk. I have so much to share that wouldn't be relevant. Things I think I want to remember, frustrations I have, happy times and sad. I write great stories in my mind, but when it comes to putting it out there, I'm lost. It could be my insecurities (you didn't think I had any, right?).
I have the most amazing life, yet sometimes it just stinks. I just wish people (including myself) could be honest with themselves. I wish it were easy to stand up for yourself without hurting those around you.
My brain never stops thinking and I'm tired of wishing things to be different.
So my question is How do you make things different?
I love being a mom, wife, and friend. I just wish it were easier.
I constantly worry that I'm not spending enough precious time with my kids (even now they are running around the house, playing with each other, being ignored by me).
I worry I don't spend enough time on my hubby. Making the foods he loves or would love if I'd try something new. Rubbing his feet. Mowing the lawn so he doesn't have to. You know there's a longer list.
And then there is friendship. That's the hardest. Family friendships and neighborly friendships. I want it all. I want the world to love me AND my faults. I have amazing friends that I never feel I give enough back to. I have family that drives me nuts so I pull away. How do I know if I'm being the person I want to be while at the same time taking care of those I love most?
If I had to die today, I know I would be happy with the life I've lived. Isn't that what matters? Then why do I care about things I can't control?
I am searching for peace in my life. I have such a need for this, my throat burns as I think of the peace I desire. I need a do over button with a manual on life that shows me how to act and think and be.
I really started this with an open mind, and happy thoughts. I see how it might sound like a downer, sorry. I'm just reflecting on the changes that need to be made and wondering how to make them. Isn't that what some of this life is about?
5 comments:
You know how I long for change in my life as well - like you, all the important things (hubby,kids,home) are great, but there's just an inner longing for change. I understand. I think that with the things you mentioned with your husband and kids, you could pick one thing per day that might fill that lack you feel (read a book, go for a walk, play a board game, cook a fave meal, kiss extra good) and do it. And then let it go. Pat yourself on the back for all of the wonderful things that you already do every day. Because you do, and you are!
You can't beat yourself up for not doing enough or for your faults. We all have faults, and we all hate our own faults. But, all you can ask is to do your best everyday. And even if one day you don't feel like you did very much, you were there for your family and friends then that was the best for that day.
I know you do a ton for your kids and your husband. (HELLO! reference the previous post!)
Sometimes when I feel I need a change, it's just my attitude or my perspective I need to change.
Lastly, I agree with Karen. Pick one thing and even that one thing a day is a change.
I think you are being hard on yourself. I know that when things get crazy in life and you don't have enough time for just you, sometimes all those dreams we had get lost in the busyness of day to day life. You need another girls night out and then a hot date with Chris. Take some time for you!
Emily, because of our friendship I just want to be the one who takes all your pains and cares away. If only you could see yourself through the eyes of others. You are such an amazing person to everyone. Your family, your kids, husband, house, school, running buddies, etc, etc, etc. You just give give give and I have looked up to you since the day I met you when you brought cookies to our house. You always do such a great job in all you do. Just watch Dr. Phil or Jerry Springer and that will make you feel really good about yourself...you're great and you do great! Painting was a fantastic idea....and this summer will definitely help.
It's healthy to reanalize yourself once and awhile as long as it's done constructively. It's good that you always want to do better and are never satisfied. I some ways your dissatisfaction in yourself is what pushes you to want to constantly be better and grow. You are a wonderful woman in every aspect of the word and I add my agreement with all the things your friends have said. As for me and my life-How to make things different and find the additional peace: If you are anything like me you are always trying to better in everything you do (although somedays are more productive than others) the greatest challenge I've found is allowing the Lord to stretch me in areas that I have been avoiding or not wanted. There are things I just don't want to do, aparticipate or understand for one reason or another. But I've found by doing that, in a way I am robbing myself of greater knowledge and experience and if it's something I need to learn it's going to find me one way or another and I'd rather it be on my terms. We can only do so much in a day- in this life. So I say take everything it has to offer good and bad.
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